i cant breath...

is getting worse...last time i didn't feel this so frequently...now,after i ate almost full, i feel very hard to breath...must sit very straight or walk so that i can breath...even doctor also have no idea how come i will experience this...doctors from M'sia cant heal me,now i hope the doctor here can figure out what is my problem...
since i always experience the feeling or having difficulty to breath, i really understand what does "life" means...if "life" is just about breathing and this proves that we are alive, then i know i'm dying...
Today,i have done my physics exam...not that hard for most of the students,in fact i think the same...the questions is not that hard,but usually when i feel like this,my result turns out is very bad...i know this because this happens in almost every exams that i have done...
now, i can only pray that my result is around class average...i cant disappoint those people that help me all the way from M'sia to Canada until now:)
Gambateh!!

Will You Be There

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Mary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
yea yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I'm Only Human

(Carry)
Carry
(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry yeah
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Save Me)
save me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up, lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i'm gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
yeah
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
whoooo
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i get lonely some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i get lonely
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah

[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

*i think the last part where Jackson monologued...
is touching...*

still don't have the courage to step in Lucky 97...

after the incident in china town, i still not dare to step in the market...
actually i wish to buy something that can only buy in that market, but when i think of that place, i think of that incident as well...this inhibits me to go...although i really wish to buy my food storage from there.
why am i such a coward??who can help me? give me strength to face my fear...
feel that my heart is 空空的...

he is good:)

i have to clarify one thing here...the senior that i mentioned in my previous blog is very nice,very smart,generous,caring and helpful.He teaches me a lot of things and help me using his knowledges and experiences. i'm not saying that he is bad or anything negative.He is a good senior. i respect him very much de:)
so,guys...don't worry about me, seniors here are very helpful and nice,
they brought us traveled around Edmonton and taught me a lot of things...
they also cooked for us that make me feel like a family gathering...very close...so warm:)

him...

sad...not because of getting any result today...is because i met with a senior that is smart in his studies. I really can feel the pressure when i talked to him. In fact,i met him because i have some physics questions to ask him....i think this is the only reason i will find him and he will meet and help me...But, when i started asking him about the questions, he said to me,"is so easy..." he also suggested me not to take physics for my second-year. i know he is sincerely advices me, and i also accepted his suggestion that i will drop physics in my second year...is just i'm too tired to take this course...physics is a study about something that are abstract. i cant see force or energy with me.what i can see is just the effect of these concepts...for those who loves and likes physics very much sure will disagree with me. well, this is just my feeling in physics. what really makes me sad is that i feel myself very stupid in front of him...i cant even force myself to give him a smile after he taught me...i have already cried in my heart...but he won't know this feeling...for him,100-level physics course is just a piece of cake,but since i have no strong basic in physics, i found it very hard to follow up...he makes me think of many negative feelings...after he left,i cant hold my tears anymore....i just couldn't...when i came back to room, i did not told Kin what happened to me, cause she will not understand this feeling as she might never feel the feeling of failure after putting hard efforts...this feeling is what i usually experience...i did put in efforts to study,but why it doesn't reflect my efforts in my results?? who can i blame??i know this is no one to blame because this is what i deserved...friends around me are helping me all the times...Kin asked me what reason makes me did not quit from this scholarship, i said:" because i have you guys..." I'm serious... Because i have you guys that supports me all the time,that's why i cant give up...no matter how hard it is, how much i have to sacrifice, i will do my best,continue this studies until i graduate...thank you guys...thanks for the senior as well...he helps me a lot in my studies...undoubtedly, he is giving his advise to me,i appreciate it...

don't cry...

i feel myself being so bad...i make my mother worries of me...she is too miss me,yet i'm not that miss her...sometimes,i just have no time to think of her because i'm just too busy with studies...I'm sorry...actually i love her so much...is just that i did not show this to her...she feel sad because she saw i lose weight...she cried while talking with me...i feel so bad...mother, i will take good care of myself, even if i lose weight,this will not affect my health. i will stay healthy until i get back to M'sia...Just want to let you know there are a lot of people take care of me, your daughter is very lucky already...good night:) you must take care too...miss you...

suddenly want to write something...But this thought i cant exposed out...how to say leh...haiz...just forget it la,is not that important though...talking about decision making,i don't know whether i have made the right decision,but this decision makes me feel like crying...i feel so pain...pain in my heart...will i feel regret???

the end of midterm in my 1st year studies...

Huh!!really have to take a deep breath!!finally is the end of midterms...however, this also indicates that now is the time to start working on final exam already... After the exam yesterday,me and Kin went to senior's house to celebrate this great relieve =P Also,feel glad because i no need to cook also can eat homemade food!!yeah~~they really can cook and i think it suits my stomach:) (hehe...usually my stomach is very picky de...) This really makes me feel so touch...It has really been awhile did not eat home-cooked food already. So glad and grateful to have seniors here, especially thanks Jun Yong and Yong Kai :) Well...of cause cant forget thanks Wei Leong, although there was a minor failure in cooking the rice Erm....maybe i should have taken some pictures of the food...hehe...I wish i can have more chance to try homemade food:) hmmnn~~

i'm still a coward...

another incident that showed my personality happened today...i really didn't expect to face my fear in this situation...it was really so scare...i thought i will be able to overcome my fear of blood,but i failed...it was really a deadly-injured person laid in front of me and i just act like didn't see him. i really do so because i don't want to think of other thing that will make me weak. However, i am still the coward...i can't face my fear although i tried so hard to forget that. feel so bad... there was 1 second that think of my father....he is just not as lucky as the man...just don't want to think about this....is all over.....i hate myself being so weak!!!!!!!how to be brave???where to find courageous??

i failed in every part of my life,every field...i just want to be a normal person that do not have very high education and just lead a normal life.why is studies so tiring???why i cant give up??i think i know the answer...is just "what i know"...

result: Failed...

how can i tell everyone that i feel so sad??i just cant do it...
how many times i tell myself have to work hard,and how many times i give myself chances to work better for the next exam...i just tried so hard to console myself that i can do better so that i can feel better.i also tried to sacrifice my sleeping time to do what i should do. i must fully use my time to study, but i do spend time on meals. i have got back the midterm for chemistry...not suprising that i failed in the test. about my feeling....i don't know how to describe...is like you have already predict something and the thing becomes true...feel like nothing,no sadness... sometimes i wish i have no feeling (i'm trying hard to become a robot since i have sensed the pain of becoming a human). how good if i have no feeling, everything is not my business, do not need to attact people's attraction or concern. failed in the exam already a fact that can't be change anymore. people might ask me not to be sad, and don't worry, i did.in fact, i didn't feel sad now although i know i failed. what to say...is i know i MUST do well in the next midterm. i already have nothing to lose...but i know i will not lose my friends,thanks guys.i have no courage to tell everyone about my sadness of failure,but i will keep this blog.i just wonder how come will have people want to read my blog,as this is nothing you can learn from me...i bring nothing to the world,i did not contribute anything to my friends or even to my family...i'm sorry if i upset anyone who read my blog...sorry...

the midterm exam...

i have just done the first midterm...feel so sad,i did it badly...this is because i feel nervous for every test or examination no matter is important of even small test,i just couldn't do as what i usually do for homework. i feel myself so stupid , which is what i used to feel start from ICPU. i'm always a few paces late than other people no matter in daily life or in studies. i will not blame anyone for my failure as i know this is my own mistake. i feel myself so old as if already experienced a lot in the life...not young anymore,thus exhausted to change my life...i couldn't think of any way to make me young (intellectually). life is always hard for everyone,as what i feel now you guys will most probably have experienced... that's the reason why i will not blame anyone. my moderate behaviour makes me lead a peaceful life which is no laughter and no tear. sometimes this really hurt me. i wish i have a very close friend that understand my condition and reliable for me to share my pain...i do not need this person consoles me when i am upsad, this person just need to be with me and stay quiet. i will really appreciate it...

i couln't find myself in U of Alberta...

is different from Taylor's...at least i have Abi in Taylor's to share my worries and other primitive matter.but,i don't have someone in U of A that can share my tears...i have a lot of things to share but i don't feel safe to tell my "close" friend here...Apparently, they are close to me,but...how many of you know me?i fear to face this world...why am i here in Canada??????????

can i just have somebody that is reliable and close to my heart to share my worries?
i've many things miggling in my heart and mind.i wish i have my little world in this land...
is my OWN world......

good bye...

many people asked me about my feeling before departure...

well...frankly,i feel nothing or maybe a bit fed up because i don't like to waste time in the flight...

a long long journey which takes a long long time to arrive...

i've tried a 6-hrs journey (frm KL to Tapah and vice versa) today...

is really tired and feeling bad...

but,this is only 6 hrs compare to more than 10 hrs in plane!!

cant imagine the feeling for tomorrow night...

i've met up and chat with few friends from Tapah and Taylor's these few day...

Glad to meet them and they are so nice...

i'm gonna miss them...my friends...

Wish them all the best, stay healthy and always :)

good bye Malaysia!!! i love my family :)

Muacks !!

难忘的旅程...

Along the way back to KL,i've thought of many things...

It's been a very long journey....

having more than 7 hours in the bus,a lot of memories poping out in my mind.

about family, studies and some personal business....

how to say...is just too much things to worried, to concern....

i hope i could be more courageous, to face something that i've been avoiding...

in this 3-days penang trip, i've met friends that have not seen for quite a long time...

very suprise to know that "they" are together :)

Congraturation!!!wish you two can be a happy,sweet couple :)

i din't aspect this really come true, i thought it is just a rumour.

Anyway,this is a good news to all of us.

hope to hear more formation of new couples------>jia you!!!Philip :)

hahahaha....

we have visited a lot of places in Penang. These places are not very popular, i've never been to, thus,i enjoyed this trip very much!! Thanks Wai Chuen!!

Besides that, the house that we stayed is very comfortable, especially the room! suitable for pillow talk!!!haha...

i like the swing in the garage as well... with the mild wind blowing, very harmony, enjoyable, comfortable...

最大的收获是看见每一位参与的朋友都可以放开胸怀和睦共处。

很久不见，他真的改变了一些。不错!! :)

我很开心与他少了尴尬，至少可以与朋友们一起愉快地聊天了:)

希望这些都可以继续保持，happy forever......

a 2nd-hand body...

It is a universal acknowledgement that my body function is not functioning well.....

*i hope i memorised the first few words correctly...* hehehe =.=

you guys must wonder what does it mean by "2nd-hand body" right?

here is the explaination: "2nd-hand body" means the body is aged and enfeebled, sometimes will lack a bit; sometimes will collapse...

tomorrow is the day for the trip to Penang and Ipoh.Yet,i might have to cancel joining the trip...

(depends on my health condition)

Ironically, my post yesterday was reminding friends to take care of their health;yet today, i get sick!!! How ironic it is!!

Haiz....headache,flu,cough,fever,sore throat make me feel very uncomfortable!!!

for me, it seems like a trend to consult doctor at least once a month!!!

Actually i rejected to visit doctor today, but my mother and sister worry is H1N1 (cz my sis's working place have 2 cases of H1N1) , so i have no choice but followed their wish lo~~

Luckily i'm quite smart!!!hehe....

i took panadol and sleep few hours before going to clinic...

So,my body temperature return to normal now :)

Now,i seriously advice you all to take care yourselves, drink water is not much useful, is better to drink herb tea...take care:)

After reading ct's blog,i realized that i'd already done most of the preparations to Canada.

those necessary documents,visa,clothing,and the other troublesome stuff.

But, I'd bought a bag that i think is not appropriate and not worthy with that price.

is all sis's fault!!she was rushing me to make decision.in fact,i really thought of not buying it, but her face showed :"faster la~~~simply choose one and pay la!!! *because all prices are the same with different model*"

For her, she think that all models are more or less the same,but she din't compared those models in other shops. I realized that i have a very serious illness, which is having difficulty in making hurry decision. got any treatment to treat this illness???

i wonder...

Now,i've ready to go for the trip la!!Already packing:)

this i can do it very fast:) hehe

Lastly,i would like to advice my friends to take care of their health,

don't get influence by the haze *like Mathew* ....Hehe (Mathew don't angry ya!!)

Drink more water and more water and also more WATER!!!

have a nice day:)

a new fresh day

wow!!really a new fresh day!!

early in the morning before i woke up, God already sent me a great present!

don't wonder...that was the greatest b'day present i'd ever received!!

sooooooooo.................

now is the time to announce what was the gift la!!

*drum hits..................*

is the Great Rainnnnn la~~

Early in the morning i got cold and following up was flu~~

haiz....sneeze in the whole morning until evening...

this makes me cant go out meet with friends for celebration.

also,i'd lost appetite to eat...

maybe i took too much medicine and took it without taking food before,i felt very uncomfortable and felt like vomitting, something stucked in my throat...

din expect that my b'day gift is called "SICK"!!!

feel better now....although haven't re-gain appetite,but i have energy to write this...

it's been a while....a long while for not blogging...

there are a lot of reasons for not being blogging,hard to explain...so...just forget it!!:)

i feel glad today because i'd received a lot of wishes from friends...

you guys make me feel so good,just like proving my existance...haha

thanks:)

Lin Xin,i will smile always. At least,i will smile in front of you:)haha

as we grow elder and elder, we will see things differently...

remember the coin in 3 sides???

that is what i learnt and practice in life...

for most of the people,birthday is a happy day.

on the other hand,i think that is a great day for mother

the heavy rain today notified me that 19 years ago,mother had gave me her greatest courage,

the courage to face the world...and obstacles in the future...

so,i'm here to thank all the mother in the world,they are really....don't know how to describe:)

thank you, mother...

opps!!!forgot to tell u the "third side" of birthday!!

actually, birthday is the great apportunity to keep all your friends in touch!!

like today,i'd received a b'day wish from a very special friend. we'd lost contact for quite a long time...glad to hear from her again:)

ok la,will blog again soon....thanks buddy:)

thanks for those who love me~~

not much to express to all of you,just want to thanks you guys. since i was borned, there were a ot of people who love me so much. they cared me and guided me all the way until now. besides that, i also thanks for those who be with me when i was sick. i know i bring a lot of trouble for many people around me because i really very troublesome. haha~~ct,really so sorry la!make you worry about me as i always hurt myself.i promise if i get in the same university as you or in other word continue be your roomate i will really take care of myself so that won't trouble other people lo!!next, i also feel sorry for disappointing some people that love me and teache me to be socialised. i just feel free and more comfortable to be alone. thats not a bad sign ah!!rite?hehe...love you guys o~~~lastly, good luck for our CPT!!!!!!!!!!!!   

麻木与快乐

don't know since when,i don't know how to face myself...i don't know is this good or bad for me,but at least i feel nothing upon this matter...how to tell?how to express my feeling?i know i should feel sad,but that sadness does not show in my face.my face expressions are all the same throghout all the time. smile smile in front of people. i still remember my friend told me i should not keep all the feelings inside the heart,yet, i told her that i do not really hide my feeling. the feeling is like a person already become anaesthesia. anything happen on him or her also not the big problem. that is what i feel from the past to now onward. any bad thing happen on me i can just treat it as a small affair... that might be a type of knowledge or experience that i learn to protect myself. when you have not much hope or wish to aim for, you will not get hurt when your wish does not fulfill. remember, people get sad or dissatisfy is because they aim too much. life is just simple. i feel glad that my friends and family are happy and healthy. while about my studies, i wish i can further studies in canada and graduate favourably...
知足虽然不常乐，但不知足就一定不快乐。

i'm charging now.....

am i too pessimistic?not really la...i like to smile ah!!people said smile always can assure us have a nice day.so do i!!i'd read all the comments that you all posted to me. thanks so much. that is the first time i realised that people can write comment on my blog!!!!AMAZING!!!!!HAHA.i'm so slow react rite?HAHA!!nevermind la,i'm always like that one...hehe....allright, i know i should face this IELTS or any failure with a open and optimistic mind. i enjoyed this holiday and this holiday really reacded right on time. it enable me to relax my mind and my tired body........it's really tired to be a student. but what to do?there is still a long long way to go for the rest of my life. thus,i need more time to charge up my mind so that i can restore enough energy to continue my journey of life. friends, don't worry la. lets pray for our IELTS ba!! namo amitatha:)

home again~~

Absolutely happy can go back home. This is the most comfort and peace place to live in. Yet, i felt guilty faced to mother. As i know and the God also give me a hint that i will not fly with you all. i'm seriously saying that i will not fly. i really did bad in the IELTS especially the reading test. i know all of you are so caring and so kind, but you all no need to console me, as i din feel sad, i know i have put on all my effort in this test, yet, there is something that out of my expectation, i thought i can do well in this before i went for the test. i'm quite confident that i can do well in the test because i'm considered well-prepared,also, i have the support from all of my friends. well, incontrovertibly i was disappointed to myself that although i have put so much effort, sacrificied my leisure time, but i do not get any return from my effort. that is really sad, and therefore i put that feeling as the title of my blog. besides that, i feel that the gap between you all and me is widenning. that's why i seldom join you guys for any kind of gathering. i wan to abondone myself as i don't se i'm a part of you all. sorry to say that...as i really feel sad to be with you all.it's really hurt... anyway, i still wish you all can fly to pursue your dreams. lastly, all the best to you all and good luck. i'm glad to have you all as my friend. i'll keep this precious memory for the rest of my life. bye~~

no title.........

today came back from college saw a banner saying that there is a festival activity held by the Buddhism Association of Subang Jaya. if possible, i think i will participate it. is is about a praying for the ancestors. i wish i can do something for dad before i leave. really so long time din dream of him already....miss him so much. friends, do love your parents as much as you could, you will get their blessing and i believe they will love you so much as well.

feeling between a mother and a daughter

today, i had a conference with a mother. is Ain's mother. it gave me a feeling of warm and caring to a daughter. this mother is very nice. i also din realised that she is so friendly. we chat about many things. but mostly are about family and studies. after the conversation, i feel so miss my mum. thus, i called her without any intention or any special thing want to chat with her,i jz want to hear her voice. so mama feel a bit shocked when she answered my call,as i never call her in noon. in addition, today is Parent-teacher day. althought mum can't come here today, but i feel better now since i had contacted her initiatively. the following is to my mother:"mum,i'm not dare and feel uneasy to tell you how much i love you, but by blogging, i can show my love perfectly as you never know what did i wrote here...telling you how much i afflicted in Taylor's and how grateful of me to you for every encouragement." jz keep this as my little secret between my close friend who are viewing this blog. :)

so lucky to have you

i was shocked when mum told me that you hadmailed me all the winter clothings from Japan. it was really out of my expectation. when you promisedme before you left Malaysia, i thought you were joking. also, if you are not kidding you might forget about it when you go there. but is really thank you, although i have not seen those clothes, but i can assure you that i like it so much. i appreciate everything that you gift me. you are such a sweet sister. i know not only you are caring me, almost every relative that know me they also praying for my succeess in studying overseas. you encouragement, supports and advices motivate me a lot. i know i cant let you all disappointed to me, and also everyone that helped me to get this scholarship. i'm grateful to you all. i hope and strongly wish that i can achieve my dream. don't mistaken, my dream is not to become a biotechnologist. for me, as long as i can earn money with my knowledge and efforts, i will not reject any kind of accupation. my dream is to make everyone besides me happy and don't sad because of my failure. people happy, i will feel pleasure as well. thank you sister Pei Hua.

don't mistaken!the object of this photo is not Mathew!!hehe...sorry mathew,actually i only want to take the piglet behind you...hehe
so big and soft...can be my pillow!!!haha
although smaller,but is also cute!!
WOW!!!here is the collection!!it's like my heaven!!i like it so much!!



how grandeur is this!!
a feeling of returning home...thank you MCA...

happy chap goh mei!!!

what happen to them!?!?HOOHOHOOOO!!!they drunk already la!!!!haha
haha!!can guess who is the winner??
yeah!!!full full lah!!!let's take a photo!!!
what happen to Matthew?why are you looking at shawn's finger like that?wake up!!!don't mixed up!!that is finger not FOOD!!!!
my little son-Chun Yin!!!faster called mama~~!!hahahahaha

happy marriage!!!

tomorrow is my cousin's wedding already...all my relatives go back to my home town to celebrate... really sad, because this cousin so sayang me, and i also have been working with the bride for few months. i really wish to attend their wedding, but somehow people will not get what they demand for... this is life....what to do??haiz...
the only thing that i can do is just wish them happy valentine day and happy marriage!!:)

so tired...

so tired...yesterday i went to sunway pyramid to do something not important. it really exhausted. finally,we decided to have dinner at a korean cuisine. the food that i ordered really OMG!! i tried to put into my mouth, but it really smell bad!and i realized that most of the Korean and Japanese food are in the greater portion compared to the local dishes. there are 4 people went to the shopping complex, but there was some unpredictable event happenned. three of us had lost in the mall since Mr.S left us...but, i din angry him, because he don't know we were still in the mall...poor mm,tt and myself...we passed by the places that we never been in pyramid.it's really scary!! three of us already spent so much in our dinner, our pocket left only few bucks...in addition, the night was late, we don't know when is the last bus to go back... then we started blaming each other... the result was-> all my fault... :..( cz i chatted my mum, then Mr. M said they were waiting for me. undeniably, it was my fault...sorry loh...

an hour in dong chan temple,fo guang shan

this is my most pretty sister-tiffany!!but her size has undergone rapid changes...from ss size to L size!!!hahaha

C!!i can carry the giant leave with a finger!!WOW!!!

brother cow cow was angry with brother mouse mouse,cz brother mouse mouse wants to kiss another brother cow cow!!!!
















oh!!!pity him....his ear tore already still can laugh so cute!!!haha
















what a wonderful purple flower!!




















so crowded...i only can take photo with these pretty flower with this pose...












here is an hour in dong chan temple in fo guang shan...
she is my elderest sister.